In 1978, Young Cuy was a simple urban boy with an archeological dream: To find the legendary Lost Pants of the Continent, long lost to the centuries, rumored to be the source of all power in the universe! The Lost Pants were the Holy Grail of modern archeology.
Seasoned archeologists had given up the quest, citing difficulties like impossible terrain, the lack of records, and more lucrative government grants, teaching positions, and writing opportunities.
The only advantage Young Cuy had in his quest was persistence. That, along with his stunning good looks, superhuman strength, and remarkable intelligence would have to be enough to see him through to his goal.
One summer evening, after a delightful night of disco, Young Cuy kissed his faithful companion, the Maid Marion, goodbye (on the cheek, of course; they had not officially announced that they were "going steady"). He bravely quit his pierogi-folding job at the West Side Market, traded in his satin shirt for an old hat, and embarked on the now-famous adventure of a lifetime.
Cuy knew in his heart that he could count on the chastity of his beloved Marion throughout his long and arduous trek. He felt confirmed in his faith when he turned around for one last look at her. Marion had taken the hand of a young fellow in a khaki uniform, obviously for comfort, for her walk up the porch steps to her home. "I can really feel safe now," Cuy told himself, "That was a strapping young Eagle Scout. Marion obviously saw him as the ideal protector of her honor. Too bad one of his friends was rather severely in need of a shave. Still, I could see that he was carrying a razor."
Thus reassured, young Cuyahoga Jones pushed the gearshift lever of his AMC Gremlin into "overdrive," pulled onto the Willow Freeway, accelerated to a breathtaking 55 miles per hour (then the national speed limit), and was on his way toward his legendary adventure.
The rest is history. . . .
Kingdom of The Crystal Balls